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vcmwThis isn't an essay about suicide, directly, but I know that any discussion connected to suicide can trigger really strong feelings in people who are or have been struggling with suicidal thoughts. I'm going to start by echoing Jennifer Michael Hecht, because her essay On Suicide means a lot to me. She wrote, "if you are even a tiny bit staying alive for the sake of the community, as a favor to the rest of us, I need to make it clear to you that we are grateful that you stay. I am grateful that you stay alive."
I don't have anything better to say to someone struggling with suicidal feelings than what Hecht said. Her essay is online here.
http://thebestamericanpoetry.typepad.com/the_best_american_poetry/2010/01/on-suicide-by-jennifer-michael-hecht.html
This essay is for the friends, for the community, the people who are trying to show they care. The ones who want their friends to know they are grateful that those friends are staying alive.
Thank you. I am so glad that you care. That you are the kind of people who care. I've struggled with how much personal to include in this essay. I'm not a mental health professional or anything like that, but I lived with suicidal depression for a long time: from the time I was 7 to my early mid-20s. Right now, my life is going pretty well, and I know a lot of that is because I've always known how much how many people cared for me. Sometimes I didn't have the ability to express or even acknowledge gratitude for that care at the time, to myself or to others. But it did help me, and now my life is in a good place. Now I am in a place where I can appreciate all the care I have received. And I hear people talking who want to express their care, but feel hurt and lost when they think about reaching out to someone who is struggling.
Coming from a place of gratitude and from my own personal experience, these are some thoughts that may be helpful for people struggling because they want to express their care to others.
Expressing your care is the most important thing.
If you take away one thing, if you trust me on one thing, please trust me on this one. You don't need fancy language or complicated gestures or money or a lot of time. Just saying, "hey, you, I care about you" - that's the most important thing.
People who are depressed can have trouble reaching out. Reach out to them if you can.
I remember when I was struggling, and I have a sense of how hard it is to reach out when you're in a bad place. If you're worried about someone, and if you can, consider calling them. Just to check in on them. You don't need to make a big deal about this or tell them that's why you're calling - it can just be "hey, thinking of you, thought I'd call." Or send a note, or a text message. If they don't answer their phone, keep leaving messages. You might feel like you're intruding. You might not want to bother them. It's ok to just keep checking in - and it might be really hard for them to reach out, or even answer the phone. You may never know how much those messages and checkins mean, but doing them if you can is still a really caring thing.
Your care might mean you worry. Think carefully before expressing that worry to your friend.
Your worry shows the compassion and the connection you feel. You want to make it better for your friend. You want to know they're ok, and you're worried they might not be. But someone who is struggling with depression may feel that your worry is an extra burden, something that makes it harder for them. When you say "I want to know that you're ok," you're expressing care and concern. But your friend isn't ok. And they might feel that if they talk to you, share their feelings, then they're hurting you. Or they might feel a pressure to lie, to say that everything is ok when it's not, because they don't want to disappoint you or drive you away. Something like "you've got my best wishes" was a lot easier for me to hear than "I hope you're ok." I didn't want to disappoint someone's hope. For a great essay on worry and concern, I'd like to recommend "Life After Worry" by Akaya Windwood. http://www.yesmagazine.org/happiness/life-after-worry
The first life you save should always be your own.
Maybe things are really bad for your friend, and you feel like there's so much you should be doing. Please only do what is safe and ok for you. If talking with your friend about their depression is triggering for you, don't do that. Show up with a video, take them to the movies, run a D&D campaign where you talk about something else. If talking with them for half an hour leaves you drained and queasy, maybe your calls should only be 15 minutes. That's ok. Tell them "hey, I really wanted to talk to you but I have a thing in 10 minutes so I've just got a second." If talking on the phone is too hard, send them texts. Whatever is ok and safe for you is the best thing that you can be doing.
It's ok if you can't fix everything. Expressing your care is enough.
I have talked with a lot of people who feel helpless when thinking about the depression their friends are struggling with. They want to fix things. They don't know how to fix things, and they feel this makes them a bad friend. You don't need to fix things or cure your friend's depression to be a good friend. Expressing your care for them makes you a good friend. It may not feel like enough to you, or even very much, but it is huge.
Again, I'm not a mental health expert. I also don't have a lot of experience with short-term situational depression, or sudden depressive experiences. But I lived with severe depression for a long time, and I had a lot of people who cared about me. I am so grateful to all of those people. And I'm so grateful to all of you who want to show your care. The care itself is enough. And don't forget to care for yourselves, too. If this is helpful to you at all, then that is thanks to the many people like you, caring people, who expressed their care to me over the years. Thank you.
I don't have anything better to say to someone struggling with suicidal feelings than what Hecht said. Her essay is online here.
http://thebestamericanpoetry.typepad.com/the_best_american_poetry/2010/01/on-suicide-by-jennifer-michael-hecht.html
This essay is for the friends, for the community, the people who are trying to show they care. The ones who want their friends to know they are grateful that those friends are staying alive.
Thank you. I am so glad that you care. That you are the kind of people who care. I've struggled with how much personal to include in this essay. I'm not a mental health professional or anything like that, but I lived with suicidal depression for a long time: from the time I was 7 to my early mid-20s. Right now, my life is going pretty well, and I know a lot of that is because I've always known how much how many people cared for me. Sometimes I didn't have the ability to express or even acknowledge gratitude for that care at the time, to myself or to others. But it did help me, and now my life is in a good place. Now I am in a place where I can appreciate all the care I have received. And I hear people talking who want to express their care, but feel hurt and lost when they think about reaching out to someone who is struggling.
Coming from a place of gratitude and from my own personal experience, these are some thoughts that may be helpful for people struggling because they want to express their care to others.
Expressing your care is the most important thing.
If you take away one thing, if you trust me on one thing, please trust me on this one. You don't need fancy language or complicated gestures or money or a lot of time. Just saying, "hey, you, I care about you" - that's the most important thing.
People who are depressed can have trouble reaching out. Reach out to them if you can.
I remember when I was struggling, and I have a sense of how hard it is to reach out when you're in a bad place. If you're worried about someone, and if you can, consider calling them. Just to check in on them. You don't need to make a big deal about this or tell them that's why you're calling - it can just be "hey, thinking of you, thought I'd call." Or send a note, or a text message. If they don't answer their phone, keep leaving messages. You might feel like you're intruding. You might not want to bother them. It's ok to just keep checking in - and it might be really hard for them to reach out, or even answer the phone. You may never know how much those messages and checkins mean, but doing them if you can is still a really caring thing.
Your care might mean you worry. Think carefully before expressing that worry to your friend.
Your worry shows the compassion and the connection you feel. You want to make it better for your friend. You want to know they're ok, and you're worried they might not be. But someone who is struggling with depression may feel that your worry is an extra burden, something that makes it harder for them. When you say "I want to know that you're ok," you're expressing care and concern. But your friend isn't ok. And they might feel that if they talk to you, share their feelings, then they're hurting you. Or they might feel a pressure to lie, to say that everything is ok when it's not, because they don't want to disappoint you or drive you away. Something like "you've got my best wishes" was a lot easier for me to hear than "I hope you're ok." I didn't want to disappoint someone's hope. For a great essay on worry and concern, I'd like to recommend "Life After Worry" by Akaya Windwood. http://www.yesmagazine.org/happiness/life-after-worry
The first life you save should always be your own.
Maybe things are really bad for your friend, and you feel like there's so much you should be doing. Please only do what is safe and ok for you. If talking with your friend about their depression is triggering for you, don't do that. Show up with a video, take them to the movies, run a D&D campaign where you talk about something else. If talking with them for half an hour leaves you drained and queasy, maybe your calls should only be 15 minutes. That's ok. Tell them "hey, I really wanted to talk to you but I have a thing in 10 minutes so I've just got a second." If talking on the phone is too hard, send them texts. Whatever is ok and safe for you is the best thing that you can be doing.
It's ok if you can't fix everything. Expressing your care is enough.
I have talked with a lot of people who feel helpless when thinking about the depression their friends are struggling with. They want to fix things. They don't know how to fix things, and they feel this makes them a bad friend. You don't need to fix things or cure your friend's depression to be a good friend. Expressing your care for them makes you a good friend. It may not feel like enough to you, or even very much, but it is huge.
Again, I'm not a mental health expert. I also don't have a lot of experience with short-term situational depression, or sudden depressive experiences. But I lived with severe depression for a long time, and I had a lot of people who cared about me. I am so grateful to all of those people. And I'm so grateful to all of you who want to show your care. The care itself is enough. And don't forget to care for yourselves, too. If this is helpful to you at all, then that is thanks to the many people like you, caring people, who expressed their care to me over the years. Thank you.
