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The Weird Disassociation of Distance
Sep. 2nd, 2004 11:32 pmTonight was one of those weird nights where you get into a five minute mood that leaves you all mopey. If there were someone right in the room with you to throw a pillow at your face everything would be fine. But no one is in the room with you and no one is down the hall to take you out for a beer or a game of pool. Then you find yourself on the phone to all of your friends at an inconvenient hour saying inconvenient things and being generally needy and a bit annoying. Everyone is of course relatively gracious about this but nonetheless it is unpleasant for everyone involved (Kyrin my dear I am sorry for the inappropriate things I said).
So I am better now, and that is wonderful. I am getting married in two weeks and now that the major parts of the planning are done I find that I am filled with a sometimes pleasurable sometimes terrifying tension much like christmas morning before the stockings are opened, when you're sure that all you got was socks and scratchy nightgowns, and that no one else will like your carefully chosen gifts.
I bought myself some new music to ease the pain/stress, and the gentle sounds of the New Pornographers' "Electric Version" fill my ears. Chocolate oreos and whole fat organic milk fill my mouth. Soon re-read trash fiction will fill my eyes. It's a good thing I'm wearing figure-fixing undergarments to my wedding, or my bout of oreo influenced sloth would create dress-wearing problems.
I look forward to being married. It's the waiting that's terrifying. All of those movies and things were people leave each other at the altar. Even though I'm 100% sure this wedding is right for me and even though there will be no altar as we are having a civil ceremony, even though all these things still the fear hits me from moment to moment that the good future I see ahead of me will be suddenly stolen away at the last moment.
Nothing as good as marrying J. has ever happened to me in my whole life, and so I don't quite trust that it will come true. I keep thinking that I'll wake up and I'll be alone and lonely and mistrustful again, thrown back into that sense of having no one to hold on to when the going gets tough. And the part of me that thinks such things are inevitable wants the bad shoe to drop now because the waiting for it to happen is so hard. I know it won't happen, I really do. But I can't stop the fear. I don't know why.
So I am better now, and that is wonderful. I am getting married in two weeks and now that the major parts of the planning are done I find that I am filled with a sometimes pleasurable sometimes terrifying tension much like christmas morning before the stockings are opened, when you're sure that all you got was socks and scratchy nightgowns, and that no one else will like your carefully chosen gifts.
I bought myself some new music to ease the pain/stress, and the gentle sounds of the New Pornographers' "Electric Version" fill my ears. Chocolate oreos and whole fat organic milk fill my mouth. Soon re-read trash fiction will fill my eyes. It's a good thing I'm wearing figure-fixing undergarments to my wedding, or my bout of oreo influenced sloth would create dress-wearing problems.
I look forward to being married. It's the waiting that's terrifying. All of those movies and things were people leave each other at the altar. Even though I'm 100% sure this wedding is right for me and even though there will be no altar as we are having a civil ceremony, even though all these things still the fear hits me from moment to moment that the good future I see ahead of me will be suddenly stolen away at the last moment.
Nothing as good as marrying J. has ever happened to me in my whole life, and so I don't quite trust that it will come true. I keep thinking that I'll wake up and I'll be alone and lonely and mistrustful again, thrown back into that sense of having no one to hold on to when the going gets tough. And the part of me that thinks such things are inevitable wants the bad shoe to drop now because the waiting for it to happen is so hard. I know it won't happen, I really do. But I can't stop the fear. I don't know why.
